And The Winner Isn't.....

As a child, I used to pray for deaths in the family so I could miss gym class and avoid the competition for the last to be chosen for the team. I have always hated this, starting as far back as the third grade. Being judged for all the wrong reasons especially by “those who can’t teach, teach gym!” That sense of failure and losing carried me thru until catholic prep school, where for some reason gym never was in my schedule. Oh God you DO exist!

I guess competition has always been a part of the human condition. There is always a winner or a loser in sports, spelling bee’s and gambling. But the “it’s not whether you win or lose” lesson was drummed into my head as a child that seems like ancient history. Now, Reality TV has brought winning to a heightened sense of desperation, one which, in my opinion, is going to make the viewers’ heads finally explode in living rooms around the world. It seems as if we are one season away from setting man-eating lions loose on a season finale of the real housewives to see who gets eaten first! I say start with Kelly, Jill and then Ramona.

If reality TV isn’t shoving hateful women who do everything for camera time and shock value, they force us to watch evil lesbian trainers scream until obese folks lose crazy amounts of weight in unhealthy time limits to fit into the last episode - where hungry ex-fatties miss the brass ring because the other guy lost one pound more. I’ve always thought that the losers probably go straight to “Hometown Buffet” for a 40,000 calorie dinner!

So what’s next, the “Medical reality show” where surgeons compete for the fastest transplant? Or maybe “Iron Surgeons America,” where the secret body part is- bursting appendixes! Trust me, I never thought I’d ever say that I miss “Little House on the Prairie!”

To add insult to injury, we now have to bear the reality that the winners, even losers, of these shows are now automatically labeled celebrities? HELP ME - Reality started as a cheap way to produce TV. Now, Kate’s “plus eight” all have agents, managers and publicists’.(I thought we were rid of her?) Ok, the biggest offender are the Kardashians—that’s a given. They say the fish stinks from the head first, sorry Kris Jenner. Then they become authorities on panels, new characters on soap operas, make records, or host a talk shows.

Actually, even Oprah has a new show about “THE NEXT TALK SHOW HOST.” (Please read that in the same manner that Oprah screams when introducing a guest). And she promised that OWN would be different.

At the end of the day, do we really need reality TV? I mean, isn’t Sarah Palin enough? The 2012 election is poised to be the most frightening reality show of all - coming soon to every channel on the dial. That election cast of characters is going to be as bad as the unnecessary movie versions of “Bewitched” or “The Beverly Hillbillies.”

What is all this “I win you lose,” “kill pussycat kill,” and hating the guy next to you going to evolve to?

Maybe it will start much earlier- with “Kindergarten Finger Paint Wars” or “Pre-school Gymboree Death Match.” How about an infant show sponsored by Huggies called “The Biggest Pooper?”

Sweet dreams Elizabeth Taylor…

"With a Little 'Gulp' of My Friends"

My mother always said that you are lucky if you can count your friends on one hand. But...she never mentioned eating them!

Do kids really need to fall in love with the "Frosted Mini Wheats" family? You know, the one with the adorable wheat kids and wheat puppy, off to school on the shoulders of our children who have been programmed to be their best friends. Suddenly, the commercial cuts to those same smiling children chewing their little multi-flavored frosted friends to death. I guess murdering and swallowing these "lil' buddies" is the most important meal of the day? I always heard "familiarity breeds contempt," but this really pushes the limits!

What good does it do making you care about Frank Perdue Jr's. favorite "Gladys" the chicken when you knows he's gonna murder her once the hormones fatten her to full roasting potential. Is that supposed to make you hungry? I'm not saying that everyone should be a vegan, but just don't make me friends with the sacrificial lamb. Obliviously the advertising world thinks we're all cold-hearted sociopaths. But with the exception of Dr. Lecter, I don't think most people want to get to know their meals on a personal basis.

This is not a new advertising concept. The almost extinct "Drive-in Movie Theaters" had the talented dancing popcorn. hot dog, drink and box of candy. They were probably forced at gunpoint to do that "hurry to the concession stand" commercial that ended their life of toe tapping treats.

At least Wienerschnitzel's ad has some degree of shame with the fully loaded hot dog running for his life trying to keep on step ahead of the dreaded human digestive system. What about the M&M creatures that we've all become friends with? There are even stuffed dolls of them! We laugh at their struggle to avoid termination, only to kill them thru melting in your mouth not in your hands? Now, there's a clever little pretzel guy that doesn't want to be inserted inside one of them to eventually be... eaten alive.

The Foster Farms driving chickens are crossing America in a jalopy with speakers advertising the natural taste of their friends that are being slaughtered back home at the farm in Cali...or should I say at concentration camps. How you gonna keep' em down on the farm with Rudolph Hess as Mr. Green Jeans?

Sure, we all started with a box of animal crackers and biting off the lions head. That was fun, but we weren't friends and I didn't know what he was thinking. Can't we go back to anonymous consumption? Just knowing the calorie count is enough to keep me up all night in a panic--hoping my pants fit in the morning. Any knowledge that my curried chicken salad was once named "Gladys" or "Hilda" is just too much! Six months ago she was starring in a TV commercial and maybe I'm the reason she lost her SAG card.

Pass the unknown Ketchup please!!!!!!!!!!

Mona Lisa is that you?

If you believe in reincarnation, then I think I just saw Mona Lisa in a jeep
waiting for pizza in the Hamptons! As you can see, Mona can't shake that
certain smile! I guess she still loves her Italian food. Maybe you bring your
taste buds with you? Who am I to second guess the universe's decision to send her back as a standard Poodle.

We've all heard stories describing spottings of famous folks from history. Elvis seems the most selfish, because he just keeps coming back as himself. Maybe the wunderkind that could draw PHD level conclusions from the backroom of a farm stand--is it Einstein? Or a ten year old girl from Tennessee that sings like Maria Callas! Is this all just a coincidence or not?

One of my theories is that, in the end, we will see the light which is really
the entrance to a big straw that sucks you up into a giant swirl and all of your particulars from this life start to spin. The swirl then mixes with new pieces (and some of your old lumps) and POOF! the new life is ready...Happy Birthday! You may not remember a thing, or maybe someday you do. Deja-vu? It's better than the theory of floating up to the pearly gates- only to see my relatives all happy, sweet, loving and ready to spend eternity together!
Why would God be that cruel??

I was channeled once by a fancy psychic from England who told me that I had my head cut off during the court of Versailles. Not just a sloppy cut at the Bastille, but high noon on the Place de la Concorde, no less! She couldn't see what got me to the chopping block, but I'm sure it was some smart ass remark I made about "the cake thing" that pissed off Ms. Antoinette and she told the King...blah, blah...ouch! At least the psychic didn't tell me I was Cleopatra or Gandhi, as there already seem to be a lot of "Cleo's" floating around. Boy, she must have had more personalities then Sybil to have reincarnated into so many gals on the upper Eastside of NYC alone!

Maybe even in reincarnation all roads lead to Andy Warhol's philosophy that "everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes?" Since I'm sure people have already alleged that they're the reincarnation of the big names like George Washington or Joan of Arc, etc., their pursuit for any form of stolen stardom will take them all the way down the D-list, claiming they were Jack the Ripper, Lizzie Borden and even Tom Thumb?

Sure, when I shaved my head I looked for the three 6's--but to no avail. I guess I'm stuck, like most of us, starting from scratch with the traits of our parents. For me, it was humor and a healthy appetite...wait when did W.C.Fields die?

What about reincarnation in the animal world? Are there dolphins claiming they were Flipper, is there a whale in Maine spouting about the days when he was Moby Dick? Maybe some moose being shot at from a helicopter in Wasilla is tearing up because he misses Rocky J Squirrel?

I wonder if in the future will someone claim they were Snooki?

The Bare Minimum!

Sure, I may have set myself up to be pushed into the pool to avoid taking my shirt off and parade the fact that I prefer a grilled cheese to a powerbar! As a child the word "husky" meant two things - our family dog named "kemosabe" or the mortifying category of pants I needed by the fifth grade, which made shopping for school clothes right up there with teeth pulling! And having a six pack meant I had two days until I ran out of diet soda!

But I've never been one for wishing I was born during the Victorian era. And yes, maybe I perk up a bit when conversations explore a Roman Orgy theme. Prudish I'm not, and this is certainly not about me complaining about my physical dilemmas. It's really about what gets people shopping during an economic crisis. Wow, even I'm impressed by this segue.

The first time as a child I ever heard "take it off, take it all off" was in a commercial where some Swedish-dish was shaving a undressed guy to stripper music. Who new that years later it would be the latest way to get people into a clothing store? The leader of today's nudie pack is "Abercrombie & Fitch" -- and not to sound like an old curmudgeon but, again, as a kid this store was a family favorite--where you bought wicker baskets filled with china & silverware for fancy picnics, snotty tweed blazers, and elite haberdashery. Nowadays, this store doesn't bother to open its doors without a flawlessly sculptured male model standing at the entrance half naked and touchable. They actually have a gorgeous gal photographer there to take your picture with Mr. Perfect creating havoc and causing a line to form around the block, either on New York's Fifth Avenue or through countless malls. And it's working brilliantly. Women, men, families with kids, and tourists with cameras are waiting in line before it opens and standing there for hours just to get in and see the sexy greeter. Sex has always worked as a sales approach.

For years, women had the corner on the skin market. But step aside, sisters, the boys are ten laps ahead of you. We now have nude male "anatomically correct" bronze sculptures roaming the sidewalks of Manhattan for all to touch and pose with. And who can forget "Marky Mark" giving "The Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman" a run for her money in his Calvin undies on a towering billboard in Times Square?

Has "Chippendales" come to the stores and malls of America? Soon you may need to carry dollar bills to stuff into their tighty whities just to buy a polo shirt and cargo pants. But doesn't having a naked-ish guy or girl standing at the entrance make more sense for Bally's or Gold's Gym? Shouldn't a clothing store show clothes? Apparently not.. And a mere block away in NYC stands a gigantic billboard a hundred feet long of a perfect California dude, topless, advertising the coming of the "Hollister Store.. Surprise, guess who owns it...Abecrombie!

So who's next to jump on the skin exposed ad campaigns? Is Colonel Sanders going to strip down to his "birthday suit" on the front of the "Bucket?" Maybe "Little Debbie" will appear with only chocolate Swiss Rolls covering her naughty parts? Or maybe the creepy big headed "Burger King" guy might have it "his way" and go bottomless...Yikes!

Hopefully, we must never see Joan Rivers naked, in any form, selling jewelry on QVC.

"Sing Out Louise!"

Don't Tip Me Over!

Come on! These unwearable, platform bedazzled "Gladiator" ankle-breakers are bordering on circus stilts. If I thought that the air up there was rarefied or filled with less pollen, I could understand the reason for these perilous pumps. But it is entertaining to watch these pain ridden victims go to great lengths NOT to fall over as they walk, or hobble, down main street.

I do understand the attraction; added height, longer looking legs and shapelier calves. To the gals 5'2 and below, it makes the most sense. But is it really worth the risk to “fall head over heels down a flight of stairs, or backwards while looking over your shoulder?

This look used to be exclusive to Drag Queens and Dominatrix’s loitering the streets of the NYC Meat Packing District. Now, the 2010 version of Jan and Cindy Brady are sporting them to the "Red Lobster" to eat cheese bread! Another problem is that taller girls like them too, which means the short man has no chance with this fashion trend. This footwear keeps them stuck with the "Napoleonic Complex" towering over the top of their heads until earth shoes become the rage again (good luck guys... I will bet money that's not gonna happen). And, we all know the “Birkenstock Curse” requires women to have a certain percentage of body hair, mostly underarm, forearm and above the lip.

Is this a fashion crime punishable by solitary confinement, or six months in "Pink Crocs?" How about house arrest with an electric ankle monitor attached to a pair of "Cobbie Cuddler's?" I just feel bad that women torture themselves unnecessarily without major benefits (unless they’re cheating with a celebrity). Is having crazy shoes that can cause permanent arch and leg problems all for the sake of following what's EN VOGUE or, even worse, to follow the advice of award show fashion critics who use up precious air time discussing whether Jessica Biel or Penelope Cruz has a better handle on this seasons' ruffle trend? By the way, who's going to their movies anyway? Oh, I know…all the girls in high heel Gladiators!

Maybe I'm just jealous. Maybe I wish men could add “a few inches" as easy as putting on a pair of shoes. Men have their share of fashion faux pas too. Hey, they made fun of Stallone the minute it got out that he had a lousy pair of lifts in his shoes. And excluding the male German tourist with a camera, men realized quickly that socks and sandals were a big “no no.” And Velcro Teva's did nothing but inspire gross overuse of the word "dude"...Excellent! It seems that for both sexes putting your best foot forward today seems easier said than done.

So ladies? I guess it's the F-bomb to Dr. Scholl and hello to to hammertoes, arthritis, chronic knee pain, sprained ankles and chronic back problems. FYI, they've linked high-heel wearing to osteoarthritis, a painful, degenerative joint disease. Ah...fashion… what a pal.

This too shall pass.

LEND ME YOUR EARS!

Have men and women been fighting about infidelity since "Quest for Fire" days? What drove the "Isle of Lesbos" to become an active gal's community with rent control? We know the Spartans saw their women only on weekends, even if they weren't fighting in their S&M leather briefs. The Little Rascals had the "He Man Women Haters Club." Now even the "House Hunters" TV show has the husband looking for a room to be his "Man Cave" while the wife is the first to agree with him.

What scares me most is that we live in a time when Donny Deutsch is speaking on behalf of all "Men" and Kathy Lee and Hoda are representing the other side! CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? How about shifting our focus to just surviving together before we end up living the Mad Max lifestyle.

Are these the bad old new days? We now have i-pads. Oh yeah, THAT will be easy to put in your pocket. It's invention scares me most because it could bring back "The Man Purse." I don't care if European men carry them.

Technology is flourishing to levels beyond comprehension, and yet "Feed the Children" is still in business... What? There's a cauldron brewing with new or not so new problems bubbling up. Imitation may be flattering but I find it uncreative and very copycat-ish.

I'm speaking of the Fall of the Roman Empire. The similarities are as close as the "Olsen Twins".

The Empire had problems starting with their Republican days, need I say more. There was no budgetary system and the economy tanked based on stealing (yes Mr. Madoff I didn't forget you). They used up all resources rather than produce anything new. Does "Made in China" ring a bell? Taxes, Small farms went belly up and nothing to export. Military defense costs, economic failure and social order going down the drain. Excuse me AIG and spitting politicians? There was natural crisis, public disasters and we had Katrina and "Hotel Superdome." The invasion of alien religious ideas (L.Ron Hubbard...can you hear me?). They had border problems and religious hopes and fears. We have fences in Texas and priest's teaching deaf boys. There were Barbarians and Huns (I love Hun references) and we have "Snooki and Jon Gosselin." The likeness is building up worse than dental plaque!

Are you with me? Where do we go from here? What's left to duplicate?

Maybe next we should change the Finian's Rainbow's song to "How are things in Sodom and Gomorrah?" Is the new version of the Bubonic plague creeping around your favorite Caesar salad with grilled chicken? Hopefully not, lettuce has had a bad rap in the last few years.

We don't need to lay around all cozy and naked like John and Yoko but imagine if we try a little harder at just friendly cohabitation? If Armageddon is around the corner then I say be a little nicer and have the Velveeta ready for the final Mac & Cheese.

If it's not, eat in moderation!

The Last Tango @ BlockBuster?

Would Marlon Brando need to go to Blockbuster to meet his "Last Tango" gal to complete the butter scene partnership if it were made today? Where have all the non-alcohol serving pick-up palaces gone...longtime passing?

Almost! My latest theory is that they are still alive-ish, and some clever singles (or cheaters) are hanging out at the last remaining Blockbuster stores. Okay, it may sound like stalkery, but it also includes people looking for a little basic human interaction. It makes perfect sense- you can learn more about your potential date, mate or even a future "ex" by what DVD section they're browsing. Are you looking for a "Classic Horror" scary lover or to be an "Action Hero" addict's love slave? Or maybe a sensitive man who is also ogling all seasons of "Sex in the City" (be careful ladies he might be looking for the same man you are!) It's endless what outcome can arise from this simple trip to the "Block". Sure, you can also do random cinematic trolling at Walmart and Target, but the problem with non-video specific stores is that you can be distracted and swayed away from your focus by a sale on Q-Tips!

You also might be forced to think differently about a "Knocked Up" fan to whom you might not have been attracted to in the past; and now have to reconsider "shorter and dumpy" depending how long ago it's been since you had any form of a human interaction. Talk about looking "outside the DVD box!" Where else can one walk up to a perfect stranger and say how you also loved "Snakes on a Plane" but you're "never going to ever fly again without you!" It's a chance you take even if they make a horrible face and run away. There other sections and other rows of golden potentials to hit on! This full body, sniffibly close, hot bed of like minded buffs you can actually size up and down. This can't happen with Netflicks or On-Demand!

It's not just a place for a love match. You can also find a special interest potential phone buddy that agrees with your outrage over the Polanski's persecution, or a fellow Nazi hating "Schindlers List-er's" that also loves microwave popcorn and the big bag of strawberry "Twizzlers." How about your secret craving for Ninja flicks that are also being perused by a handsome Asian hottie that you've fantasized ever since Brandon Lee's untimely demise after The Crow. Maybe you can spot a new BFF and they're exquisite fashion style when picking out the same Bette Davis or Cary Grant movies on the special discount rack.

These hot-bedded visual DVD arenas can also help you prevent picking up the wrong encounter Seeing your prospective love toy in person gives you the ability to see an unexpected piercing or exposed tattoo that might say "Kill all Bitches," or even a full shoulder tribute to NASCAR. And the worse case scenario-a ten-inch honorarium to "Tweety Bird" even your loneliest side refuses to tolerate!

What's also so great is there is no discrimination. It's open to all browsers of all colors and all types. Straight, Gay, Bi-Lesbian, Cross-Dressing Married Men, Sexy Librarians, Hells Angels and even Soccer Moms reaching for the latest "Sandra Bullock" hit.

Stop letting the convenience of ordering everything online interfere with one of the last bastions left with air-conditioning and lots of regular and eye candy. One of the "Final Destinations" (no pun intended) of free visual, similar interest and anonymous pick-up joints left. Sure you can lie about your vocation or your income, but you can't lie about your secret love of "The South Park Movie" when they see you intensely clutching the DVD in your hand. So enjoy, it's a membership with unspoken benefits that can lead to limitless possibilities or maybe just an interesting or not, quickie.

Live my children, live free or just watch Cable TV all alone hugging a pet or laying next to the aquarium all covered up in Grandma's afghan or a nasty pilling fleece "Snuggie". Yikes! Sorry to sound so crazed, but it's tough love time. Remember, the guy or gal that sounds so great online and whose picture with the blurry face and the same body of Mr. or Mrs. Brad Pitt- may just be very clever with photoshop!

Shut down your computer, get dressed real nice and head down to your local Blockbuster before the evil On-line "Pac Man" forces them all to close. This could wipe out any chance of scanning the fascinating specimens in the flesh, in your favorite film sections. Don't forget that other people might be there for the same reason that got you there.

Tick-Tock Clarice!