LEND ME YOUR EARS!

Have men and women been fighting about infidelity since "Quest for Fire" days? What drove the "Isle of Lesbos" to become an active gal's community with rent control? We know the Spartans saw their women only on weekends, even if they weren't fighting in their S&M leather briefs. The Little Rascals had the "He Man Women Haters Club." Now even the "House Hunters" TV show has the husband looking for a room to be his "Man Cave" while the wife is the first to agree with him.

What scares me most is that we live in a time when Donny Deutsch is speaking on behalf of all "Men" and Kathy Lee and Hoda are representing the other side! CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? How about shifting our focus to just surviving together before we end up living the Mad Max lifestyle.

Are these the bad old new days? We now have i-pads. Oh yeah, THAT will be easy to put in your pocket. It's invention scares me most because it could bring back "The Man Purse." I don't care if European men carry them.

Technology is flourishing to levels beyond comprehension, and yet "Feed the Children" is still in business... What? There's a cauldron brewing with new or not so new problems bubbling up. Imitation may be flattering but I find it uncreative and very copycat-ish.

I'm speaking of the Fall of the Roman Empire. The similarities are as close as the "Olsen Twins".

The Empire had problems starting with their Republican days, need I say more. There was no budgetary system and the economy tanked based on stealing (yes Mr. Madoff I didn't forget you). They used up all resources rather than produce anything new. Does "Made in China" ring a bell? Taxes, Small farms went belly up and nothing to export. Military defense costs, economic failure and social order going down the drain. Excuse me AIG and spitting politicians? There was natural crisis, public disasters and we had Katrina and "Hotel Superdome." The invasion of alien religious ideas (L.Ron Hubbard...can you hear me?). They had border problems and religious hopes and fears. We have fences in Texas and priest's teaching deaf boys. There were Barbarians and Huns (I love Hun references) and we have "Snooki and Jon Gosselin." The likeness is building up worse than dental plaque!

Are you with me? Where do we go from here? What's left to duplicate?

Maybe next we should change the Finian's Rainbow's song to "How are things in Sodom and Gomorrah?" Is the new version of the Bubonic plague creeping around your favorite Caesar salad with grilled chicken? Hopefully not, lettuce has had a bad rap in the last few years.

We don't need to lay around all cozy and naked like John and Yoko but imagine if we try a little harder at just friendly cohabitation? If Armageddon is around the corner then I say be a little nicer and have the Velveeta ready for the final Mac & Cheese.

If it's not, eat in moderation!

The Last Tango @ BlockBuster?

Would Marlon Brando need to go to Blockbuster to meet his "Last Tango" gal to complete the butter scene partnership if it were made today? Where have all the non-alcohol serving pick-up palaces gone...longtime passing?

Almost! My latest theory is that they are still alive-ish, and some clever singles (or cheaters) are hanging out at the last remaining Blockbuster stores. Okay, it may sound like stalkery, but it also includes people looking for a little basic human interaction. It makes perfect sense- you can learn more about your potential date, mate or even a future "ex" by what DVD section they're browsing. Are you looking for a "Classic Horror" scary lover or to be an "Action Hero" addict's love slave? Or maybe a sensitive man who is also ogling all seasons of "Sex in the City" (be careful ladies he might be looking for the same man you are!) It's endless what outcome can arise from this simple trip to the "Block". Sure, you can also do random cinematic trolling at Walmart and Target, but the problem with non-video specific stores is that you can be distracted and swayed away from your focus by a sale on Q-Tips!

You also might be forced to think differently about a "Knocked Up" fan to whom you might not have been attracted to in the past; and now have to reconsider "shorter and dumpy" depending how long ago it's been since you had any form of a human interaction. Talk about looking "outside the DVD box!" Where else can one walk up to a perfect stranger and say how you also loved "Snakes on a Plane" but you're "never going to ever fly again without you!" It's a chance you take even if they make a horrible face and run away. There other sections and other rows of golden potentials to hit on! This full body, sniffibly close, hot bed of like minded buffs you can actually size up and down. This can't happen with Netflicks or On-Demand!

It's not just a place for a love match. You can also find a special interest potential phone buddy that agrees with your outrage over the Polanski's persecution, or a fellow Nazi hating "Schindlers List-er's" that also loves microwave popcorn and the big bag of strawberry "Twizzlers." How about your secret craving for Ninja flicks that are also being perused by a handsome Asian hottie that you've fantasized ever since Brandon Lee's untimely demise after The Crow. Maybe you can spot a new BFF and they're exquisite fashion style when picking out the same Bette Davis or Cary Grant movies on the special discount rack.

These hot-bedded visual DVD arenas can also help you prevent picking up the wrong encounter Seeing your prospective love toy in person gives you the ability to see an unexpected piercing or exposed tattoo that might say "Kill all Bitches," or even a full shoulder tribute to NASCAR. And the worse case scenario-a ten-inch honorarium to "Tweety Bird" even your loneliest side refuses to tolerate!

What's also so great is there is no discrimination. It's open to all browsers of all colors and all types. Straight, Gay, Bi-Lesbian, Cross-Dressing Married Men, Sexy Librarians, Hells Angels and even Soccer Moms reaching for the latest "Sandra Bullock" hit.

Stop letting the convenience of ordering everything online interfere with one of the last bastions left with air-conditioning and lots of regular and eye candy. One of the "Final Destinations" (no pun intended) of free visual, similar interest and anonymous pick-up joints left. Sure you can lie about your vocation or your income, but you can't lie about your secret love of "The South Park Movie" when they see you intensely clutching the DVD in your hand. So enjoy, it's a membership with unspoken benefits that can lead to limitless possibilities or maybe just an interesting or not, quickie.

Live my children, live free or just watch Cable TV all alone hugging a pet or laying next to the aquarium all covered up in Grandma's afghan or a nasty pilling fleece "Snuggie". Yikes! Sorry to sound so crazed, but it's tough love time. Remember, the guy or gal that sounds so great online and whose picture with the blurry face and the same body of Mr. or Mrs. Brad Pitt- may just be very clever with photoshop!

Shut down your computer, get dressed real nice and head down to your local Blockbuster before the evil On-line "Pac Man" forces them all to close. This could wipe out any chance of scanning the fascinating specimens in the flesh, in your favorite film sections. Don't forget that other people might be there for the same reason that got you there.

Tick-Tock Clarice!